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Nosemonkey's EUtopia

In search of a European identity

The Swiss aggressor

Oh yes… Switzerland… Neutral, aren’t they? Never did anyone any harm, did they? The worst Switzerland’s ever got up to is hoarding Nazi gold (and they probably only did that because they were too polite to say “sorry Adolf, old chum, we reckon that’s a bit off”). Nice little iddy-biddy country in the heart of Europe, minding its own business. Safe to ignore the buggers, isn’t it?

All anyone ever thinks about Switzerland was pretty much succinctly summed up by Orson Welles’ Harry Lime in The Third Man:

“in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love – they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.”

Well, it looks like they’ve finally twigged and realised where they went wrong: so have invaded Liechtenstein.

Those Swiss devils! Curse them – I for one will not stand idly by and watch the mighty Liechtenstein be so cruelly abused by the mountain folk to the west – it’s time to follow in the great tradition of the anti-fascist volunteers of the Spanish Civil War like Hemmingway and Orwell and head over there to do our bit for the brave Liechtensteinese. We will fight them on the ski slopes, we will fight them on the beaches of Lake Geneva – we shall never surrender!

Zurich or bust! Who’s with me?



  1. No fear – you know the old saying: "Never bring an Apache AH Mk1 attack helicopter to a multi-purpose tool fight." They have clear superiority in the bladed utility device department, not to mention their far greater capability when it comes to getting stone out of horses hooves or undoing really tiny Phillips screws.

    Sometimes, you just have to know when you're beaten. Those vicious bastards will toothpick you to death in a second.

  2. Sorry to break the news but, the Cuckoo clock is a German invention.

    The Swiss did, however, give us the '÷' sign and velcro, discover ozone and photosynthesis, and built the world's first industrial scale cheese and chcolate factories. But we knew that already, didn't we :p

  3. who mixes cheese and chocolate?

  4. People who like chocolate cheesecake?